" ...yet I must tell you, that for the first ten years I suffered much: the apprehension that I was not devoted to GOD, as I wished to be, my past sins alwayspresent to my mind, and the great unmerited favours which GOD did me, were the matter and source of my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again presently. It seemed to me that the creatures, reason, and GOD Himself were against me; And faith alone for me. I was troubled sometimes with thoughts, that to believe I had received such favours was
an effect of my presumption, which pretended to be at once where others arrive with difficulty; at other times that it was a wilful delusion, and that there was no salvation for me.
When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which did not at all
diminish the trust I had in GOD, and which served only to increase my faith), I found myself
changed all at once; and my soul, which till that time was in trouble, felt a profound inward
peace, as if she were in her centre and place of rest.
Ever since that time I walk before GOD simply, in faith, with humility and with love;
and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think nothing which may displease Him. I
hope that when I have done what I can, He will do with me what He pleases.
As for what passes in me at present, I cannot express it. I have no pain or difficulty about
my state, because I have no will but that of GOD, which I endeavour to accomplish in all
things, and to which I am so resigned, that I would not take up a straw from the ground
against His order, or from any other motive but purely that of love to Him.
I have quitted all forms of devotion and set prayers but those to which my state obliges
me. And I make it my business only to persevere in His holy presence, wherein I keep myself
by a simple attention, and a general fond regard to GOD, which I may call an actual presence
of GOD; or, to speak better, an habitual, silent, and secret conversation of the soul with
GOD, which often causes in me joys and raptures inwardly, and sometimes also outwardly,
so great that I am forced to use means to moderate them, and prevent their appearance to
others.
In short, I am assured beyond all doubt, that my soul has been with GOD above these
thirty years. I pass over many things, that I may not be tedious to you, yet I think it proper
to inform you after what manner I consider myself before GOD, whom I behold as my King.